Our five senses are incomplete without the sixth – a sense of humor
Many thanks for those who have made contributions. You will find
humorous anecdotes as well as words of wisdom.
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what her drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A couple had arranged for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with “I John 4:18” which reads: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”
The bakery evidently lost, smudged, or otherwise misread the Bible reference to be used, and beautifully inscribed on the cake: “John 4:18” which read: “For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband.”
The judge was instructing the jury that the witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.
“For example,” he said, “when I entered my chamber today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left it on my nightstand in my bedroom.”
When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?”
“What? said the judge, “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What happened?”
“I gave it to the first one,” said his wife. “He knew exactly where it was, so I figured you had sent him.”
A woman was trying to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang and she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer it.
“It’s the pastor, Mommy,” the child said to her mother.
Then, speaking further to the pastor, she said, “Mommy can’t come to the phone right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
A new pastor moved into town and went out on a Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to the Wilson’s house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door, even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back, "Revelation 3:20," and stuck it on the door.
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."The next Sunday he found his card on the offering plate. Below his message was the notation: "Genesis 3:10."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, and I hid myself."
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
Today, I will be handling all your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If the devil happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFJTD (SOMETHING FOR JESUS TO DO) box. It will be handled in My time, not yours.
Once the matter is placed into the box, do NOT hold on to it or attempt to remove it from the box. Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem. If it is a situation you think you are capable of handling, please consult me in prayer to be sure that it is a proper resolution.
Because I do not sleep nor do I slumber, there is no need for you to lose any sleep. Rest my child. If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer away.
God
… As taken from church bulletins.
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The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other |
| Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. |
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The ladies Bible study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies |
| The low self-esteem support group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door. |
| The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy". |
| A songfest was hell at the Methodist church on Wednesday. |
| The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. |
| Thursday is potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. |
| At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. |
| Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. |
| Don’t let worry kill you; let the church help. |
| Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. |
A priest was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy was very small and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest walked across the street to the boy, placed his hand kindly on the boy’s shoulder, and leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, "And now
what, my little man?" The boy turned and hollered, "Now we run!"
What You Should Have Learned From Noah's Ark:
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask
you to do something Really big.
3. Don't listen to critics. Do what has to be done.
4. Build on the high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on
board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float.
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last
ones on earth.
10. Remember - we're all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and
complain -- shovel!
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs & the
Titanic was built by professionals.
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
16. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger
threat than the storm outside.
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
18. DON'T MISS THE BOAT!
A water bearer in India had two large pots, hanging on the ends of a pole, which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and one-half pots full of water to his master’s house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and felt miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After the two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you." "Why?" asked the water bearer. "What are you ashamed of?" "I have been able, for these two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts," the pot said. The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path." Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and it cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the water bearer for its failure.
The bearer then said to the cracked pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers on only your side of the path, and not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."
The moral of this story: Each of us has his/her own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots. But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You’ve just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads, he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son, and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart," he answered. Then in theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember for the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he said to her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already."
WE REGRET THE LOSS OF THE ELSE FAMILY
We regret to announce the loss of one of the most valuable families in our church, Mr. & Mrs. SOMEBODY ELSE.
The gap they have left behind will be difficult to fill. The Elses have been with us for many years, and have always done far more than their share of work in the church. Whenever there was a job to do, their name was on everyone’s lips. LET SOMEBODY ELSE do it! When money was short, and more funds were needed to accomplish the Lord’s work through the church, it was thought that Mr. & Mrs. Else would somehow make up the shortfall. Let SOMEBODY ELSE make up the amount required; they can afford it, but we can’t! They were looked to for both inspiration and results. The Elses invited many new people to the church, and the church grew a great deal during their years here.
The Elses are wonderful people, but of course they are only human and could spread themselves only so far and so thin. Now they have gotten older and haven’t been able to do as much as they used to, nor could they help out financially as much as they did before. Many an evening I have sat and talked with SOMEBODY, and heard him wish aloud for more help and more involvement from others in the church. He and his wife did the best they could, but they knew it was impossible to accomplish all that was needed to be done. We have to face the fact that there were just not enough SOMEBODY ELSES to go around. And now the Elses have retired and moved to a milder climate. What are we going to do? They have left us a wonderful example to follow, but who will follow it? Who is going to do the many things that SOMEBODY ELSE did? Could it be YOU? Will it be YOU? Will you pitch in - with many others - to insure that God’s work will be done? God bless you as you think and pray about the challenge that is facing us!
There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting "her things in order," she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which hymns she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what clothes she wanted to be buried in. The woman also requested to be buried holding her favourite Bible in her left hand. Everything was in order, and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
"There’s one more thing," she said excitedly.
"What’s that?" the pastor replied.
"This is very important," the woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."
The pastor looked at the woman, not knowing quite what to say.
"That surprises you, doesn’t it?" she asked.
"Well, to be honest, I’m puzzled by the request," said the pastor.
The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, ‘Keep your fork.’ It was my favourite part because I knew that something better was coming, like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance! So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand, and I want them to wonder, ‘What’s with the fork?’ Then I want you to tell them, ‘Keep your fork, the best is yet to come!’"
The pastor’s eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. He also knew that the woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral, as people were walking by the woman’s casket, they saw the pretty dress she was wearing, her favorite Bible in her left hand, and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question, "What’s with the fork?" and over and over, he smiled.
During his funeral message, the pastor spoke of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork, and about what it symbolized for her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork, and told them they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right.
Therefore, the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you,
oh so gently, that the best is yet to come. And that you will be able to
relish it for all eternity.
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I’m the Boss." He taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that read, "Your wife called, and said she
wants her sign back."
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the employee answered.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went
on. After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral,
she stopped in to see you."
“When I was a youngster,” complained the frustrated father, shaking his head. “I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own colour TV, phone, CD player and computer in his room.”
“So what do you do when he misbehaves?”
“I send him to our room.”
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would go up in value after your death When I told him that it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor.”
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the plaque that hung on one of the walls in the church. On it were a bunch of names, and flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at it for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”
“Good morning, pastor,” replied the young boy, still focused on the plaque.
“Pastor, what is this?” Alex asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they stood together, looking at the plaque.
Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the 9:15 or the 11:00 o’clock service?”
A young couple invited their pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth. “Are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom: We might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.”
A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
A burglar decided to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, “Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob.” He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire store was floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, “My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken.”
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Illiterate? Write today for help. |
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Auto Repair Service. Try us once and you’ll never go anywhere again. |
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Dog for Sale. Eats anything and is fond of children. |
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Stock up and save! Limit one to a customer. |
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For Sale: Antique desk, suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. |
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Three-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. |
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For Rent: Six-room hated apartment. |
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We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1. |
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Man, honest, will take anything. |
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Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first. |
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Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. |
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And now the Superstore – unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience. |
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Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross provided. |
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We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. |
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Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. |
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Vacation Special. Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. |
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Toaster: A gift everyone appreciates. Automatically burns toast. |
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.
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Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. |
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On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it had completely disappeared. |
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The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. |
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Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. |
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The patient refused an autopsy. |
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The patient has no past history of suicides. |
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The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. |
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Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. |
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She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. |
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The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints. |
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The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. |
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She is numb from her toes down. |
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The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. |
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The skin was moist and dry. |
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Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. |
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Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. |
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Patient was alert and unresponsive. |
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When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. |
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The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days. |
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Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. By the time he was was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. |
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The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Wilson to dispose of him. |
A couple invited some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” her mother answered.
Her daughter prayed, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
Husband at the doctor's office
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone, and said: “Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him some delicious food. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your stress with him; that would likely make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate with him every day of the week. If you will do this for at least a year, I believe your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say to you?”
“You’re going to die,” she replied.
A pastor was asked to inform a man with a heart condition that he had just inherited a million dollars. Everyone was afraid that the shock would give him a heart attack.
The pastor went to the man’s house and said, “Joe, what would you do if you inherited a million dollars?”
And Joe said, “Well, Pastor, I think I would give half of it to the church.”
At which point the pastor fell over dead.
Three boys were in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy said, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper. He calls it a poem, and they give him $50 for it.”
The second boy said, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper. He calls it a press release, and they give him $100 for it.”
The third boy said, “I’ve got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper. He calls it a sermon, and it
takes four people to collect all the money!”
A parable is told about a farmer who owned an old mule.
The mule fell into the farmer’s open well, and the farmer heard it “braying.”
After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the old mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving.
Instead, he called his neighbours together, told them what had happened, and enlisted their help to haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery.
Initially, the old mule was hysterical! He thought he would suffocate and die.
But as the farmer and his neighbours continued shoveling dirt down the well and the dirt hit his back, a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back, he would shake it off and step up!
This he did, blow after blow. “Shake it off and step up…shake it off and step up…shake it off and step up,” he repeated over and over to encourage himself.
No matter how painful the blows were, or how distressing the situation seemed, the old mule fought panic and just kept right on shaking off the dirt and stepping up.
It wasn’t very long before that old mule – battered and exhausted – stepped triumphantly out of the top of that well!
That which seemed as though it would bury him, actually helped him to survive – all because of the attitude he had and the manner in which he handled his adversity.
That’s life! If we face our problems squarely and respond to them positively, refusing to give in to panic, bitterness, and hopelessness, THE ADVERSITIES THAT COME ALONG AND THREATEN TO BURY US OFTEN HAVE WITHIN THEM THE VERY REAL POTENTIAL TO HELP US GROW!
Anonymous
One morning a girl called her girlfriend and said, “Please come over and help me. I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle and can’t figure out how to start it.”
The friend asked, “What is the puzzle about?”
The girl said, “From the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
The friend figured she was pretty good at putting jigsaw puzzles together so she headed over to the girl’s house.
The girl let her friend in and showed her where she had
the puzzle spread all over the table. The friend studied the pieces for a
moment, then studied the box and then looked at the pieces again for a bit.
She then turned to the girl and said, “First, no matter what I do, I’m
not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like
the picture of that tiger. Second, I’d advise you to relax and have a cup
of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fell asleep. Some hours later, Holmes woke up his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a moment. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?”
Holmes is silent for a moment, and then speaks. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”
A car stalled at a traffic light and a cop watched from across the street as the vehicle sat through red, yellow, green, red, yellow, and green. Finally, the cop walked over to the struggling motorist and said, “What’s wrong, sir, don’t we have a colour you like?”
A man wanted to cash in a $5,000 bond, so he called his bank.“
Is the bond for redemption or conversion?” asked the bank clerk.
The man paused, rather surprised, and asked, “Am I talking to the Royal Bank or to First Baptist Church?”
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and was in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed at almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “Paw, what’s ‘at?”
The father – never having seen an elevator before – responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life. I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened up and the fat lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up one by one. They continued to watch until the last number lit up. In a few moments the numbers began to light up in reverse order. Then the walls opened up and a gorgeous young blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Boy, go git yo Momma.”
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the mother in labour and her five-year old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The mother pushed and pushed, and after a little while the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
The little boy responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again.”
“You are in incredible shape,” the doctor said. “How old did you say you were?”
“I am 78,” the man said.
“Seventy-eight!” remarked the doctor. “How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old.”
“Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever either of us got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down.”
“What does that have to do with it?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I’ve pretty much lived an outdoor life.”
Wishing to encourage her young son’s progress on the piano, a mother took the small boy to a concert featuring a renowned pianist. After they were seated, the mother spotted a friend in the audience and walked down the aisle to greet her. Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonder of the concert hall, the little boy went forward and explored his way through a door marked “NO ADMITTANCE.”
When the house lights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that her son was missing. The curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive grand piano on stage. In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy’s ear. “Don’t quit. Keep playing.” Then, leaning over, the great pianist reached down with his left hand and began filling in the bass part. Soon his right arm reached around the other side of the child and he added a running obbligato.
Together, the old master and the young novice transformed a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience. The audience was mesmerized.
That’s the way it is with God. What we can accomplish on our own is hardly noteworthy. We try our best, but the results aren’t exactly graceful flowing music. But with the hand of the Master, our life’s work can truly be beautiful.
The next time you set out with fear to do something, listen carefully. You can hear Him whispering in your ear. “Don’t quit. Keep playing.”
Feel His loving arms around you. Know that His strong hands are playing the concerto of your life.
GOD DOESN’T CALL THE EQUIPPED; HE EQUIPS THE CALLED.
He’ll always be there to love and guide you on to great things. Keep the faith, and keep playing. Together, you and the Master will make beautiful music.
One Sunday afternoon, the pastor’s wife dropped into an easy chair saying, “Boy! Am I ever tired!”
Her husband looked over at her and said, “I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?”
“Dearest,” she replied, “I had to listen to all of them.”
A man bought several acres of wasteland and within a year turned it into a thriving produce farm. The local pastor stopped by and complimented the man on his vast progress. Then he added, “Wondrous things can surely happen when man and God work together.”
“Amen,” said the man, “but you should’ve seen it when God was running it alone.”
(A senior’s version of the Julie Andrew’s song from The Sound of Music.)
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts, and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
Then I remember my favourite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food, no food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads, and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning,
Fragile bones, fractures and hair that is thinning,
We won’t mention joints where arthritis stings,
When we remember our favourite things.
When the limbs ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary when a situation like this arose – repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.
“Behold, I come quickly,” he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again, “Behold I come quickly!” Still nothing.
He tried once more, this time with so much forcefulness that he tripped over the microphone cord and fell off the platform right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to
apologize to her, but the woman replied, “That’s all right, young man.
It was my fault. I should have gotten out of your way. You told me three
times you were coming!”
A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy
clothes was overheard telling a friend, “I don’t really like to dress
like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun had written a note and placed it beside the apples. It read, “Take only one. God is watching.”
At the other end of the table was a large pile of
chocolate cookies. One of the boys wrote a note and left it by the cookies.
It read, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family’s faith to class. At the appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students.
The first child said, “I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug.”
The second child said, “I am Jewish and this is my Star of David.”
The third child said, “I am Catholic and this is my rosary.”
The final child said, “I am Baptist and this is my
casserole dish.”
A mother was teaching her three-year-old the Lord’s
Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother.
One evening she said she was ready to solo. Her mother listened with pride
as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer.
“Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us from
e-mail. Amen.”
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling in a large, intimidating looking machine with wires, dials, and tubes. “Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.
“So would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a
floor-cleaning machine.”
A burglar broke into a house one night. He used his flashlight as he looked around for valuables. As he picked up a CD player to put in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, turned off his flashlight, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big heist, and then began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird, Moses?”
The bird replied, “The kind of
people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus.”
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
“My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another contributed.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence.
“Well, it’s not that bad,”
said one woman cheerfully. “Thank God we can all still drive.”
One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother’s broom as a horse, and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark. He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about her broom and he told her where it was. She then asked him to please go get it. He informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn’t want to go out to get the broom.
His mother smiled and said, “The Lord is out there too. Don’t be afraid.”
The little boy opened to back door
just a little and said, “Lord, if you’re out there, hand me the
broom.”
“Why do you ask?” I responded.
“Because,” she replied, “my
husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don’t remember
seeing you at breakfast.”
A man told his neighbor that he had just bought a new hearing aid. “It cost me four thousand dollars, but it is state of the art. It’s perfect”.
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“
Last edited May 14, 2003
Edmonton, Alberta, Canada